When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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