Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
