I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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