Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
