I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
not ubering you a puppy
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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