The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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