I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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