smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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