dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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