I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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