When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
