About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
