By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
