I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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