Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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