Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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