So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
