I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
