God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
even my farts smell like vagina
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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