i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
