i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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