Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
