when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
