Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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