we're chasing vodka with high fives
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
