I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
