Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
