I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
