I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
