I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
