I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
