i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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