All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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