sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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