You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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