My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
