question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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