my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize