I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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