Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
