i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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