i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need water and some morals
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
