Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
