Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
