Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
