I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
