I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Are my feet made of real feet?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
