She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
