Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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