I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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