What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
