so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
