yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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