One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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