That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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