this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You've changed since you got that strap on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
