she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
