My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
