my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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