i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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