Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
