Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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