my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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